In the past, I have been terribly frustrated and a lot of weird things have been playing in my head. I was stressed, frustrated, pressured, and I really did not know what to do. There was a lot of things that were playing in my head, keeping me out of focus. I had a lot of secrets that I couldn't tell anyone. I kept my feelings secret.
One of my wishes was that I could talk to my parents, and tell them how I truly feel.
Straightforward, no secrets. I wanted to talk to them so that I wouldn't keep any grudges and so that they would know how I truly feel and listen to my frustrations. However, even though we were so close, I couldn't tell them these frustrations, these hidden feelings. I felt that we were
so close, yet so far. I closed my own self because of these hidden secrets.
When I went to the Youth For Christ camp, I asked myself who is Jesus Christ for me. For me, Jesus is like my family and friends. Jesus is like my parents. Then I realized that like Jesus, my parents is always there for us no matter what. My parents is always there, knocking on my door, waiting for me to open it. I realized that, whatever I've done wrong, my parents will always love me and forgive me for what I've done...
And so I wrote a letter to my parents. I had a chance to talk to them. They gave me letters too. This time, I gained all the strength to tell them straightforwardly how I truly felt.
I gave them my letter, they gave me their letters too. While we were reading the letters, we all cried and smiled. I told them in my letter that I was sorry for keeping secrets and for everything. I told them that I forgot that they were supposed to be my best friends.
When we talked, I told them that at times I become frustrated. I become frustrated and pressured. At times I wondered why I can't do things I wanted, like scuba diving this summer, camping, and many things they were against. I understood that they were worried about me but I was just asking for their trust, independence and freedom (not absolute, of course). They told me that they trusted me, they were just too worried.
I told them the truth. I told them the truth about this guy.
Yeah, and there's no point in hiding now because my parents already knew. I told them that even though the guy and me wasn't "in a relationship" there was still something special between us. And true enough, I told them that I loved this guy. However, now, we aren't together. I guess, its gone. I guess we needed personal time and space for ourselves, I don't know. Let's leave it at that. I told my parents that at some point the guy told me that he doesn't want to be with me if my parents doesn't want it, if we aren't free. I guess, its because it makes things harder: the way we keep things hidden because my parents would be angry when he would walk me home or when they see us together somewhere or when he would give me something. Maybe we aren't ready yet. Maybe. I don't know, I didn't blame the guy or myself for this. I'm not mad at him. I still consider him as a good friend.
My mom cried harder when I told her these. She asked me, if I was hurt. I told her, maybe I was, it was sad, but I accepted it, I was not bitter and because of God, I think I'm okay now. And then she told me this again:
"I just didn't want you to be into relationships because I didn't want you to get hurt. I've been there, and I know how it hurts." I remembered that she told me this from the start, and I guess she was right. I mean, her worries were just right. And then, she told me this:
"I'm sorry if you broke up because of us, I didn't want you to be hurt because of us, I don't want you to be mad at us."
We were all crying. Then my dad told me,
"I just didn't want you to be into serious relationships because its hard." I realized what he meant by that... I realized why he didn't want me to become seriously and crazily in love.. But I still told them,
"Why? I wouldn't be pregnant. Can't you trust me?" Then my mom said,
"I trust you. It doesn't mean that we think that you'd get pregnant. Its just that, there are to many risks."
I was getting frustrated. My dad told me, "If you really love the person, anak, we can't do anything to stop you, we'll let you and forgive you even if you rebel against us..."
But I didn't want to. I didn't want to hurt them. They're still the people I love the most. They're my parents. I didn't want to hurt them...
And then, my dad told me again,
"You know, anak, if the guy really loves you, and if you're really meant for each other, he will come back. Sabi nga nila, kung mahal mo ang isang tao, pakawalan mo, hayaan mo, hayaan mong mag-grow. Parang ibon lang yan, babalik at babalik lang din yan sayo. If you are really meant for each other, God will make a way."
Actually, I already thought about these. Its just that it feels good to hear these words from your parents. I already knew that you must let a person go, and that if you're really meant for each other, God will make a way. That's why, I let him go with an open heart. I was not angry, I wasn't bitter. I was just hoping for the best.
What keeps me strong these days is the thought that God and Jesus is there for us no matter what. Whatever happens, Jesus is there for us. God has a plan for us. However, even though he has a plan for us, he still gives us a choice. I just hope that I am making the right choices along the way, and may God lead me to where I should be.
I also realized that I became far to them because I was afraid of my sins. If we are burdened by sin, let us admit the sin with all honesty and humility. No more lies, no excuses. Let us hate the sin, not the sinner and let us admit the sin in the eyes of God. Let us forgive the sinners, and let us forgive ourselves... Its important that we forgive ourselves. Its okay to do something wrong, as long as you learn from it and you repent.
I just realized that in times of problems, let us not close our hearts to people who want to help us. Let us not close our doors to our parents, friends, who are just there knocking at our doors, calling us, offering help. In the end, our parents are still our best friends. They are just there whatever happens, waiting for us to open our hearts to them.
Let us open our hearts, guys. Let us open our hearts and do not close our doors to our friends and families. Let us open our hearts and let Jesus come into our lives. :) <3
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