I Will Always Love You

I just want to write about how I feel.

I am very happy. Although medyo nag-aalala ako. Masayang masaya na ako. :)

Masayang masaya ako na nagkasama kami ulit kahapon. Masayang masaya ako dahil naramdaman kong kahit ano pang nangyari parang walang nagbago sa aming pagkakaibigan... Masayang masaya ako na parang nagbalik yung mga old times na magkasama kami, masayang nagkkwentuhan, hindi awkward at hindi nahihiya sa isa't isa... Lahat. Masaya. Kasi sobrang namiss ko siya at ang lahat.

Masayang masaya ako na sinabi niyang mahal niya pa rin ako.. Ang tagal tagal ko nang hinihintay na sabihin niya yung muli at nung narinig ko sakanya yun ang saya saya ng pakiramdam... Kahit na di ko marinig sakanya yun araw araw okay lang.. Basta alam ko at nararamdaman ko... Nagtitiwala ako sa kanya...

Kahit na sinabi niya na hindi niya sigurado kung maibabalik sa dati na lagi siyang nandyan para sa akin.. Na may space pa rin, okay lang. Naiintindihan ko na. Hindi kailangang lagi kaming magkasama, hindi kailangang laging magkausap, hindi kailangang lagi siyang nakatali sa akin. Hindi kailangang maging kami officially o kung ano man. Ang importante lang ay alam namin at nararamdaman namin na mahal namin ang isa't isa.. Alam ko kung gano kaimportante ang panahon para sa sarili, panahon para sa sariling problema.. Panahon para mag-isa. Ang importante lang ay alam mong may taong nandyan, nagmamahal sayo..

Sa totoo lang, kahit na kahapon, walang awkwardness at parang balik kami sa dati.. After nun medyo nahihiya pa ako sa kanya. Hindi ko alam kung pwede ko ba siyang sabihan ng mga bagay bagay tulad ng dati, kung pwede ko ba freely i-express yung nararamdaman ko sa kanya o mappressure ko ba siya kung ganun.. Alam kong hindi ko siya pwedeng piliting sumama sa akin o kung ano man.. Hindi ko alam kung anong tumatakbo sa kanyang utak at natatakot ako na magulo ko yung takbo ng utak niya.. Na mapressure ko siya, na may magawa akong mali. Natatakot ako. Kasi ayoko nang magakamali.. Natatakot akong mawala siya ulit somehow..

Pero hindi ako pwedeng matakot. Kasi alam kong totoo yung sinasabi niya sa akin kahapon. Nagtitiwala ako dun at nagtitiwala ako sa kanya. Hindi nalang ako mag-eexpect at hindi ako masyadong mag-iisip. Ang tanging iisipin ko ay ang mga salita niyang nakapagpasaya sa akin. Kasi alam kong totoo yun..

Naiintindihan ko na na minsan talaga kahit sinusubukan mong pasayahin ang isang tao, may mga gumugulo sa isip nila at sadyang mahirap. Tulad kanina, hindi ko lang sigurado, pero sa tingin ko merong gumugulo sa isip niya, ang hiling ko nalang, sana hindi yun dahil sa mga ginagawa ko, sana hindi yun dahil nahihiya siya sakin. Pero kahit ganun pa man, naiintindihan ko. Gusto ko lang sabihin na sana wag siyang mahiya sa akin.. Kasi, pagkatapos naman ng lahat, naiintindihan ko siya. Naiintindihan ko yung nangyari at yung ginawa niya, at wala siyang dapat ikahiya.. :D Kung may problema man siya, at nakikita ko siyang malungkot, aaminin kong nag-aalala ako, pero hindi ako malulungkot, maiinis o magagalit. Mananatili akong isang masayang kaibigan na magpapasaya sa kanya kahit na malungkot siya. Sana wag siyang mahiya sakin kung nalulungkot siya, kasi andito lang naman ako para pasayahin siya o tulungan siya bilang kanyang kaibigan.

Kung sakaling magulo pa rin ang utak niya ngayon. Okay lang. Nasabi naman niya sa akin at naparamdam kahapon yung mga bagay bagay at magtitiwala ako dun. Kung magaling ako sa isang bagay, magaling ako magtiwala... Yun ang itinuro sa akin ni God, ang love, faith, hope and trust. :)

Sa ngayon, ittrust ko ang aking puso. Ittrust ko din siya. Ittrust ko ang aking puso na gawin lang at ipakita ang aking nararamdaman. Gusto ko lang maiparamdam sa kanya na kahit anong mangyari, may isang taong nagmamahal sa kanya, tutulungan siya, sasamahan siya at hindi siya iiwan, kahit anong mangyari. Wala akong hihingin sa kanya, ang tanging gusto ko lang, ay maging masaya siya. :)

Gusto ko lang sabihin sa kanya na:
Trust. Trust your heart. Wag kang mag-alala. Nandito lang ako, nagmamahal sayo. Be happy. I will always love you. :)

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Something less for something more

Just a little insight for today....

Just thinking positively... I think sometimes we are given something less to realize that there's something more. That there's something more than what we see or feel.

Maybe this time that we are a bit distant may make us realize that there is something more than the immediate and short-lived happiness that we gain from the daily conversations and daily moments we have together. That a relationship, whatever that may be, is not just about being together, but a love/friendship that lasts and stands even though you're apart.

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Summer 2011 Goals: AMBISYOSA.

Summer na at nawawala nanaman yung track ko sa aking sarili. Gusto kong mavisualize at maconcretize ang aking goals for this summer. At para magawa yun, kailangan ko siyang isulat.

This summer, I want:
Fun. Freedom. Self-meditation. Growth. Freedom from my own frustrations. Pursue my dreams.

Goal #1:
PSYSC CAMP in ILOILO. Check!

Goal #2:
Summer Classes: ongoing. Goal ko na ma-achieve yung math55 under terror instructor. Go. Kaya yan!

Goal #3:
Super Fun and Adventurous PE: CAMPING. Malapit na kami mag-camp-out sessions. Weekends. Wooohoo. Malapit ko na siyang ma-achieve. Kaso kailangan pala munang payagan ako ng parents ko. However, this would cost me around 1,700 per weekend. 3 camp-outs would cost 5,100. :\

Other wants:
- braces, which would cost 35,000
- scuba diving lessons, which would cost at least 15,000 kung private
- driving lessons, which would cost 5,000
- piano lessons, which would also cost around 5,000

So, I realized. Shocks. ANG MAHAL NG GOALS KO. mga 65,000 yan lahat. And shocks, hindi po ako mayaman. So I should set the priorities and compromises. Hmm.

Scuba diving lessons. I still have one PE left so ipprerog ko na talaga siya next sem. I promise. If not next sem, next next sem. Basta yan ang last PE ko. Kung di pa ako makapag-scuba, sasali muna ako ng Marine Biological Society, MBS sa first sem. At least manlang makapag-skin diving ako. If not, antayin ko yung tatay ko na i-enroll ako sa scuba.

Piano lessons... could wait. Mag-self study nalang talaga ako ulit. Unless mag-eenroll yung mga kapatid ko, saka ako sasabay. Masaya din naman mag self study. At bumubuo kami ng banda nila Ned, so magkekeyboards or vocals naman ako dun. Mafufulfill ko pa rin naman yung musical needs ko. :D

Driving lessons, should really be done this summer. Kawawa naman yung kotse namin kung walang gagamit. So, antayin ko na maging maayos yung kotse at antayin ko na i-enroll ako ni papa. Please, siya na sana ang magbayad ng enrollment ko. hahahahaha. :D

Braces, should also be done this summer. Matagal na itong naghihintay. Maghihintay nalang ako na magkapera si mama kasi mahal yung braces. Pero in the meanwhile, kailangan ko atang itext si Dra Canero tungkol sa braces ko pero di ko alam sasabihin. Babalik din ako sa kanya para magpalinis muna ng ngipin at magpapasta kung meron pang natirang sirang ngipin. Hmmm.

So basically, naghihintay lang ako. Pero ang medyo achievable goal ay: braces, driving at camping sana. However, mahal pa rin yun. So kailagnan ko ng pera. Kailangan ko ng trabaho. Naghahanap ako ng online jobs ngayong summer.

At syempre, I must not forget to keep myself healthy and do my house chores and responsibility. I should formulate a summer schedule for me.

M-F.
Gising ng at least 7 AM. Do not oversleep.
7 AM - tumulong sa pagluto, hugas at house chores. Tumulong ha.
7:30 - mag-ayos ng sarili. Pumorma.
8:00 pumunta na ng arc range! Wag na magpalate.
8:30-10 pre-climb, post climb, training runs. Magpaka-healthy!
10-11 kumain na agad (pero magbaon please, walang pera) at mag-aral daw ng 55 or maki-chikka nalang sa friends sa math building at sa mga inaabangan sa math building (stalker much?).
11-1 Math 55. Wag matutulog.
1-2. Magpahinga.
2-5. Ayusin ang mga kailangang ayusin. Magpadentist. Magdriving lessons. Kung walang gagawin sa labas, medyo maglinis ng bahay, maglaba. magpahinga. basta mag-ayos! If not, maggala! Joke. Wala ngang pera eh.
5-6. Lumabas ng bahay para magpakahealthy. Magbadminton!
6-7. Dinner.
7-8. Math
8 onwards: online job. (talagang kailangang gabi no) XD kailangang makaipon ng pera. XD
12 mn. MATULOG. Matulog ha? :D Hahahahaha.

Okay. Medyo planado na ata ang summer ko. Goodluck. Sana matupad. :D

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Living the Dream

Many sleepless nights. Drained vocal chords. Baggy eye bags. Fatigue. Stress. Why would anyone care to be a facilitator? Maybe it's because of the free vacation, free plane ticket to Iloilo, free food, and the whole experience. Maybe. And maybe you don't understand it now, but there's a lot more than that. Don't worry, I'll tell you why. I'll tell you my story and I want you to read it with your heart. :)

When I was a high school student, I participated in the PSYSC events but I never had the chance to join the CAMP. I was inspired and touched by the activities of PSYSC such as MathSciAKa and PSO. I was inspired because through the activities of PSYSC, I realized that I can do things, I can achieve things that might seem impossible for me, and that science is really fun and easy to learn. I can say that PSYSC brought out the best in me when I was in high school and I swore in my high school days that I will join PSYSC and share the things that I learned and I got from PSYSC to the future generations. I also wanted to touch other people's lives as PSYSC changed mine. I dreamt of being an ECAT and I dreamt of being a facilitator in the CAMP or CSIW.

Fulfilling my dream of being a facilitator in the CSIW or CAMP was not easy for me. I had to engage in deep and thorough discussions with my parents just to let me join the event. I asked them to let me join CSIW Tagaytay but they did not agree because I had other responsibilities at home and for other personal family reasons.. Many people asked me how I was able to convince them to let me join CAMP Iloilo. It was very much farther than Tagaytay and I would be 7 days away from home. Actually, it was really hard to convince them. It started last sembreak, I proved to them that I was a responsible Ate to my brothers, I proved to them that I can handle myself... Basically, I gained their trust and I told them how important this was for me and for the participants of this event. I could not believe that my parents really allowed me to join the CAMP. It was very unlikely but it seems that my efforts paid a lot.

Being a facilitator does not start on CAMP Day 1. Our responsibility as a facilitator starts from the preparations for the event. You have to be there on every staff training and preparation for the dances, the workshops, the costumes, and other staff work. Somehow it was hard for me because I had to balance being a facilitator in PSYSC and being a facilitator at home. I needed to be at home for my brothers while I needed to be there for PSYSC. The solution: balance your time and know your priorities and responsibilities.

Before we went to the airport, I read all the handouts they gave because I was a bit nervous on what will happen and what I should do during the CAMP. When we were in the airport, we were very excited and energetic even though many of us lacked sleep. When we arrived at the hotel, we started practicing and we helped the other committees and when there was nothing much to do, we were advised to take some rest because the succeeding activities would surely be strenuous. I was excited and nervous because I didn't know what I would do when I meet my kids or "anak" from my own "Satrape" or subcamp.

Day 1. We helped with the registration and the auditions for the entertainment night. There, I met many kids and they told me a lot of stories. It was fun because I gained confidence while I was talking with the kids. I reminded myself: Just be yourself. Just be your happy self. When I met my own villagers from Satrape 11, I just met them with a big smile and I just talked to them a lot like the normal Elise who is very talkative, fun and smiling. I wanted to ask them about themselves but they preferred to interview me instead. From the very first night I saw my kids, I knew that this CAMP would really be fun.

Workshops. These two days were full of lectures, workshops and other activities. I was very proud of my kids in the workshops because I think they are very independent. You can just instruct them what to do and then they will do it by themselves. Sometimes, they have questions regarding the workshops. However, as a faci, you can't teach them the answer. So I just told them: "Remember when you're doing experiments, you look at your observations. So just be observant and I'll teach you the answer when we eat together at lunch." So, I just let them figure it out by themselves and after the workshops, I taught them the Chemistry of what happened. I think it's very important that you process what happened in the workshops so that your kids would really learn. I love Chem and I want to share to them my love for Chem. In that way, they would appreciate science better.

Illness and Missing Kids. There are two major problems of being a facilitator. First, many kids would fall sick or feel sick from time to time. You've got to know how to handle them. I knew nothing about medical stuff and first aid so I just trusted the medics who were available at the moment. Some kids ask permission from me to go to their rooms to get personal medicine and rest, sometimes I allow them but sometimes I don't know when they're lying or not. I just advised them to go to the medics first. The second major problem is the missing kids. There are some kids that you don't see during lectures and the big problem is that they would only text you when they're gone.. I think two kids told me through text, "Ate, nasa SM lang po ako.." for different reasons. I was really worried when I read this because I don't know what might happen to them and I can't prevent them from going there because they were already outside. I can do nothing but to teach them a lesson. I told them in a gentle and sweet manner that they should not be outside the CAMP premises. I told them: "Bakit kayo lumabas? Bakit kayo hindi nagpaalam? Kahit na high school students na po kayo, wag po tayong lalabas kasi habang nandito kayo sa CAMP, responsibility kayo ng PSYSC at responsibility namin kayo bilang kami ang inyong guardian. Kung ano mang mangyari sainyo habang CAMP, responsibility namin kayo.." When they came back to the CAMP premises, they approached me and told me "Sorry, ate.." with a shy smile. I knew then that they already learned the lesson and got what I was trying to say.

The Ultimate Bonding Experience. The fieldtrip was the ultimate bonding experience for my Satrape 11 because we spent the whole day together taking pictures and talking to each other. Before the fieldtrip, my satrape was close enough but after the field trip, we really became bonded like glue. We took a lot of group pictures and called ourselves the "Most Vain Satrape", our self-proclaimed award. Through the pictures, the stories and the jokes, we knew each other more and more and more. There was a time that I slept while standing in the bus. My kid noticed it and offered his seat for me. I was really touched by these kids. They shared seats just to let me sit and take a rest because I was really exhausted. I learned that these kids are really sweet and touching too. I treated them as my kids or my brothers and sisters along the way.

The Final Moment. The faci moment during the closing night was somehow our final moment to spend with our kids. During my faci moment, I wasn't able to tell them everything because it was supposed to be just one minute so I just told them something like this: "Guys, sana nag-enjoy kayo sa 3-4 na araw na tayo'y nagkasama. Sana marami kayong natutunan tungkol sa teamwork, sa chem at sa mga kung ano anong pinagsasabi ko sa inyong lahat. Kasi ako, nag-enjoy ako at sa 3-4 na araw na tayo'y magkasama ay itinuring ko na kayo bilang aking mga kaibigan, mga kapatid, at mga anak. Dahil sainyo, mas nagkaroon ng halaga ang linyang.. Sa PSYSC, nakilala kita.."


I wasn't able to cry on stage so I just cried backstage and I cried when I went to them and they all hugged me one by one. They told them that they would miss me. They thanked me and they wished that we would see each other again in the next CAMP. We were all crying. We can't stop the tears in our eyes. We were all very happy and yet emotional. I was really touched.

In the end, being a facilitator is not simply doing the physical job of guarding your kids, nor the mental job of teaching them Chemistry or Science and its not even about a free vacation because during the event, there is none. I think, being a facilitator is about touching the lives and changing the lives of others. Sometimes it's about teaching them a few lessons in life. It's like sharing to them a piece of you and reaching for their hearts. When you are a facilitator, some way or another, you are able to create even a small change in their lives. So just continue all the hard work because all the sleepless nights, stress, strain, fatigue that you've got will not matter in the end because you are able to change lives. :)

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Temper and Endurance

Ang ayoko sa lahat, yung tinatarayan at sinisigawan ako. However, we cannot control others, we can only control ourselves. Kaya kapag nangyari to, ngumiti ka lang, maintain your composure, wag makipagsigawan and stay sweet. Kapag nakipagsigawan ka at nakipag-argue, mapapalala mo lang yung problema nila. Ang importante lang ay masabi mo na they're doing something wrong. Importanteng marealize nila na... ooops, mali ito. Mali ito na sumisigaw ako. Marealize nila na there's something wrong na kailangan nilang icontrol. Pero don't overdo it. Wag ka nang manermon at kung ano pa, dahil mas naguguluhan lang sila at sumasama ang loob sayo o sa sarili nila. Kaya naman, kapag di nakinig at tumigil, wag mo nang pilitin, hayaan mo muna sila hanggang sa bumaba ang temper nila. Hayaan mo lang na sila mismo ang makarealize ng kung anong kailangan nilang ayusin sa kanilang sarili. Babalik din naman yan sila sayo kapag umayos na ang pakiramdam nila.

On your part naman, just control yourself. Ako, I need to learn how to control myself and have long lasting patience. Hindi naman kasi pwedeng maging controlling kasi nga you cannot dictate others on what to do. You can just only make them realize, and let them learn for themselves. You cannot teach them everything... hayaan mo nalang sila. Ang task mo lang talaga ay ipa-realize. So just control, control, control yourself. Kailangan matuto kang mag-endure. It's part of maturity. Kailangan mong magcontrol ng sarili at mag endure for the ones you love.

.. Well, in the end, mahal mo pa rin naman sila. At siguro naman, mahal ka pa rin naman nila. So just smile. :D

I remembered yung mga taong nagturo sakin nito, thank you. :D

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Chem 17 love. :D

Grabe. Ang saya saya ng simula ng araw ko na to. Wahh! I'm HAPPY! :D

Una, nakita ko na kasi yung grades namin sa Chem 17 lab. At grabe, I'm so proud of us! I'm so proud of our lab class and I'm so proud of my lab partner. Grabe. The best ang lab partnership namin ng lab partner ko. Gusto ko talagang i-thank siya ng bongga for being there with me, paghirapan ang bawat rdr, ang bawat sabaw na quiz at dg, ang mga sabog na experiment at unknown analysis at ang lahat lahat! Grabe, masasabi ko talagang the best lab partner ang lab partner ko. Di ko malilimutan yung mga RDR na, gagawin daw agad tas kung ano ano pang kwentuhan o kulitan ang magagawa... pero okay pa rin! Tapos, yung mga RDR na kina-cramm ng bongga, the evening before lang ginagawa sa lib o kaya sa text o kaya bago dumating si sir payawan! Hahahaha! Tapos yung mga quiz at dg na sabaw, minsan namemental block pero go pa rin kasi nahihila ng isa ang isa. Tapos sa mga bawat experiment, na kahit ang bagal ko yatang maghugas, game na game pa rin at ang bilis bilis matapos. Tapos ang huli, ang unknown analysis na may cherry red precipitate pala! :D hahahaha. Grabe. I so love my lab partner. The best ka, friend. Sana mabasa mo to sometime. :D

Pangalawa, the best din kasi talaga ang lab class at lab instructor ko! :D For every bonding moment, for every experiment, group dg, sama samang pagccram at pag-aaral, bawat card game, killer game, bonding moment, kwentuhan, trinoma bonding, kainan, timezone, and... secret. Basta lahat! Sobrang thank you guys. The best labmates kayo ever! Ang saya saya. Pati yung lab instructor, the best talaga! Ang galing niya magturo, napapataas niya yung scores namin sa long exams kasi ang galing niyang magturo.. Sobrang close pa niya sa amin at ang daling lapitan. Bakit pa matatakot sa Chem 17 kung the best naman ang lab class, lab instructor, labmates, at lab parner mo? Hindi ka na matatakot, mag-eenjoy ka na to the maaaaaaax!

I really want to say thank you guys. I enjoyed this sem of Chem 17 with you. Chem 17 might be hard, but it was fun with you. :D Chem 17 is my favorite subject! AHAHAHAHA.

Lastly, kaya sumaya ang umaga ko... Kasi nakausap ko at nathank ko na ang aking lab partner. Ang saya sa feeling na mathank ang isang taong... gusto mo talagang ithank. Parang ang sarap sa kalooban. Super hyper ako kanina, at natuwa ako kasi nasabi ko sakanya at nasabi ko na masaya ako. :D I don't know kung alam niya na kung bakit ako sumaya pero masaya na ako na malaman niyang masaya ako at alam kong masaya siya. Awwwww. Goooooooood morning! :D

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Peace... but wait.

Kanina, nakipag usual Sunday multi-family bonding ako with my family and other families. Ang saya makipagbonding with family and other families. With the kids and the titos and titas. Badminton bonding, pangdestress sana at pampabawas ng fats. Pero, kumakain at lumalamon lang rin naman after. So, wala rin. Hahahaha.

Nag-online talaga ako ngayong gabi para magblog. Gusto ko lang magkwento sa sarili ko. Oh well. Labas lang ng mga thoughts ko since di ko malabas basta.

One thing I overcame today: (the first one was my earlier post about trust)
I reunited with a friend which I was not on normal terms with. LABO. Okay. In tagalog.
Nakipag-usap na ulit ako ng normal sa isang friend na hindi ko na nakakausap in a normal way. Nagkikita kami, oo. Pero there was some awkwardness between us kasi something happened in the past. (Clarification: hindi ko siya past nor present!). Alam mo un, yung hi-hello, onting onting usap lang tas wala na, tas parang nahihiya talaga ako sa kanya at nahihiya siya sakin. At medyo may ilang factor at iwas iwas factor... Pero kanina, dahil tinatamad akong maglaro ng badminton, nakipag-usap na ako sa kanya at ang haba ng usapan namin at tumambay nanaman kami sa kanila..

So bakit ko to kinukwento at bakit ako proud na na-overcome ko na ang pagkahiya sa taong to?

Hindi ko siya crush, okay. Hindi ako nagkkwento ng kilig kilig moment right now.

I just want to share this because I think talking to him freely means that I really have forgiven myself and I really have forgiven him for what has happened before. Whatever happened before does not matter now. However, not talking to an old friend because of the "awkwardness factor" means there's something still... not right, or something still feels awkward, I don't know.. But I think there's something wrong or something not so right. Ang labo diba? English kasi eh. Hahahahaha. Pero alam mo yun, pag di mo pa rin makausap ng maayos ang isang tao like before parang may something pa na di naayos. Pero ngayon, narealize ko na... Wala nang dapat ikahiya, wala nang dapat ika-awkward, kasi napatawad ko na siya at napatawad ko na ang sarili ko at kalimutan na nating lahat kung ano man itong tinutukoy ko!

Bottomline is, I have forgiven myself for this.

However, meron isang coincidence na nakapagdisturb sa akin... Ilang taon ko na kasing kilala ang taong to at ilang taon na rin akong nakikitambay at nakikitulog sa bahay nila pero ngayon ko lang talaga nalaman ang full name niya. Ngayon ko lang nalaman na nasa pangalan at nickname niya ang *insert guy name here*. Tapos nakakita ako ng pin, same with what I have.. Saying *insert guy name here* and *insert girl name here*. Tas ang parehas pa nung itsura nung dalawang tao sa pin ko.. Kulay lang ang iba. Tas natigilan lang ako kasi naalala ko yung pin na may nakalagay na ___ and Elise... Tapos flashback ng memories of that day.. Namiss ko siya ulit. Crazy.

Tas ang coincidence lang, bakit sa lahat ng dalawang tao, bakit sila pa ang magiging magkapangalan? Sila na.... ewan. Cannot describe. At ngayon ko lang nalaman sa tinagal tagal naming magkakilala. Ngayon, sa moment pa na to. Hay. Iniiwasan kong mamiss ka pero namimiss talaga kita eh, sorry kung nakakagat mo na dila mo ha? Hehe. =))

Let's be at peace. Don't think bad thoughts, just the good thoughts. Don't let darkness and fear defeat you. Smile! :D

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Trust is the foundation of Love

Somehow, I feel better now.

Even though things were not very much clear, I am enlightened. I have realized that we are both in a state of confusion and in a state of wanting to find ourselves and reflect on ourselves. I think we really need a little bit of time and space to grow. We must reflect on ourselves so that we may become stronger and better persons. After we fix ourselves, only then can we fix whatever is between us.

I reminded myself that trust is the foundation of love. When I say trust, it doesn't necessarily include promises. Sometimes, they say that promises are just meant to be broken. I think it is alright if we didn't actually promise when we were in a state of confusion because its hard to make a promise when you are not sure if you can do it. So I'd just say that I'd trust him and I'd trust myself that everything will be okay. And I also trust him and myself that the feeling is still there. I can feel it. However, sometimes, before we attend to our feelings to other people we must first attend to ourselves. I have accepted this now, and I am thanking him for giving me also time to grow and time for myself and the opportunity to be stronger. We can fix ourselves and after we had our space and time, when the right time comes, the right thing happens. Maybe we'll be back again. :)

Lastly, I trust Him. I have prayed and prayed. I have thanked him for giving me a wonderful friend and I trust him that everything will be alright between us. I think He has plans for me, or for us. It may be us being stronger and better people, or maybe He really gave us time to reflect and to repent on ourselves. You know, when everything seems to be going wrong or crazy, I just remember that.. all these things happen for a reason.. Maybe all these things that seem to be wrong happen to lead you to the right way... And how can you hold on to that belief? All you have to do is trust. Trust in God and trust in Love. :)

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Too much tears

Something's wrong with me. Something's terribly wrong with me.

I have cried too much. I have cried too much that it came to a point when I can't understand why I cried. I cry too much. I easily cry about small things that I shouldn't cry about. It's not another person's fault. It's my fault. I get it. It's my fault. I don't want to blame others about it. I don't want them to blame themselves.. I know there's something terribly wrong with me.

And it came to a point that something happened yesterday.

Now I know why I cried too much. I am confused.

I'm really sorry, but I need to say this. I need to be true to myself.

I am confused. I am frustrated. I am scared. I told myself yesterday that this is what I wanted, that this is what we needed. However, this is not what I feel right now. This is not what I want...

I mean.. I'm confused. I really don't know what will happen. I don't want to lose him. I don't want things to change. I don't want that. But I really know that we really need a little bit of space. We need it, but not too much. Not too much space, not too much freedom, that I will have to force my heart to close just to stop these tears from falling. I don't want to get crazy. One thing that disturbs me is my "complete freedom", because the truth is.. I don't want to be free completely. Yes, I want to be independent. Yes, I want time for myself. Yes, I need to grow.. But I'm scared that things might change and that... I don't know. I'm confused.

I trust him. Yes I do. And I trust myself. I trust that we'll be okay... But still something's bothering me, and I think that's because I'm still confused. I don't know what the implications of the situation was.. And I don't want to face those implications..

Yes, I want independence. Yes, I want space. Yes I need time to grow. But not too much. Not too much. And I really need to clear things up so that I won't close my heart just to stop myself.

I'm really sorry that I needed to write this, but I really want to be true to myself. What I say to my mind is not what my heart feels.

I really need to clear things up. So my mind and my heart will be at rest, and I'll give you space. Just please, if you can read this.. please...

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥