Unwanted Rants

I swore to myself that I'm not going to rant anymore.

But I've reached my limit. Ang sakit na sa chest ng kinikimkim kong 'to.

Guys, sorry na. Isipin niyo mang tamad ako o maarte wala akong pakialam. Pero naiinis na kasi talaga ako eh. Hayaan niyo nalang muna ako sa rants ko. Blog ko naman to diba?

Ilang buwan na rin kaming walang kasama sa bahay at nagdecide na yung mga magulang ko na wag nang kumuha ng katulong para matrain daw kaming tatlong magkakapatid. Okay lang naman sakin, may point naman, na matrain sana kaming tatlo. Kailangan lang talaga ng proper time management ng aming buong pamilya para may maiiwan na tao sa bahay para sa aking mga kapatid.

So nung una, okay pa. Umuuwi ako ng 1 para sa kapatid ko tapos pumapasok ulit ng 4 pm sa aking IE3 class kahit gano man kahassle yun. Kapag may org meetings ako, I just make sure na may tao sa bahay for my brothers. Pag walang tao sa bahay, hindi pwedeng umalis. Kaming tatlo ng mga magulang ko, busy people kami. Marami silang class, meetings, etc. So dumarating sa point na marami nang conflict, tapos napagsasabihan ako ng mga magulang ko na lagi akong wala sa bahay at di raw nila ako nakikita, wala akong naitutulong masyado.. So dahil pati Saturday Sunday ay may org events minsan, ginive up ko na talaga yung Sunday for family day, para makabonding ko naman sila at makatulong naman ako sa bahay at magawa ko rin yung personal stuff ko. At dumating na rin sa point na ginive up ko yung mismong org dahil sa Sunday and time issues na yan.

So I'm trying my best to help with the house chores... na nagiging main issue ngayon sa bahay. Ito yung nakakapuno eh. Sinusubukan ko namang tumulong, naglalaba ako pag may time ako, naghuhugas, nagluluto, nagwawalis, nag-aayos ng magulo naming bahay... Kapag walang nagsasabi sa akin. Naiinis kasi ako kapag sinisigawan ako at pagalit kaagad. Pwede naman sanang sabihin ng mahinahon, mag-antay lang, gagawin ko naman. Naiinis ako kapag nag-aaral ako, tas biglang out of nowhere, magagalit sa akin dahil may natira daw na hugasan sa kusina (which is dahil late silang umuwi), mali daw yung ginawa ko, bakit daw ganto ganyan, ni hindi ko na nga maintindihan! Basta galit! Galit lagi. Nakakainis yung feeling na parang ikaw yung tamad at walang ginagawa sa bahay lagi. Nakakabwisit.

Isa pang kinaiinisan ko, ay yung mga hugasan lagi na nasa kusina. I mean, okay fine. Dapat naghuhugas ako, siguro toka ko nga talaga yung sa umaga, pero di ko nahuhugasan kasi ang aga ng pasok ko at malalate na nga ako. Okay fine, kasalanan kong di ako nagigising ng mas maaga. Pero sinusubukan ko naman, at di lang makahugas kasi hindi pa tapos kumain lahat o nagmamadali na. Sila, mas nahuhuli naman silang umalis sa akin, di ko magets kung bakit di nila hinuhugasan nalang bago umalis. Si papa, naggigitara lang naman siya sa umaga. Bakit kaya di siya maghugas rin? Tas yung mga boys, mas maaga silang dumarating sa bahay kesa sa akin, tas akong late na nakakauwi dahil late ang tapos ng class ang inaasahang maghugas ng lahat ng plato from breakfast to dinner?! Ni hindi nga ako nakakapagbreakfast at dinner sa bahay minsan eh! Tapos sasabihin sayo na "babasagin ko yang mga platong yan!" Hindi ako nagmumura pero ang sarap nang magmura sa mga panahong to. Nakakainis lang.

Sa totoo lang, medyo nawawalan na ako ng gana sa pag-aaral dahil sa mga pangyayaring to. Kasi naman, ang feeling ko, parang ang wala kong kwenta. Kasi alam mo yung naghihirap ka sinusubukan mong mag-aral ng matindi kasi ang hirap ng subjects mo tas bigla kang sisigawan na bakit ka nasa taas or bakit ka nagfafacebook or whatever na random things tungkol sa bahay or anything. Parang ano na lang ba? Di ko na talaga gets eh. Minsan nga parang ayoko nang umuwi ng bahay. Parang wala rin namang pahinga dito dahil sa mga pagalit nila.

Oo alam ko, ako ang panganay at ako lang ang babae. Pero bakit ganun? Ako lang ba anak niyo? Bakit lahat nalang ng stress niyo, kaguluhan sa bahay, kasalanan ng mga kapatid ko, ako ang may kasalanan? Pati ba naman homework na di nila nagawa?

Alam ko ako yung smiling and optimistic person. Ganun pa rin naman ata ako pag wala sa bahay. Pero, dito sa bahay, medyo tumataray na ako. Medyo nagagalit na nga rin sakin yung mga kapatid ko eh. Kasi napapagalitan ko sila. Nakakainis rin naman kasi pag di sila sumusunod. Medyo di mo mapipigilang magtaray. Pero alam mo yun, maski ako, I MISS MYSELF. na hindi ganto.

Sa labas, parang okay lang ako. Masaya naman ako. Pero deep inside, may nakatagong inis and everything... Di ko alam kung suwail na anak na ba ako o kung ano. There's a heavy feeling inside my heart.

I don't know what I'm going to do. :/

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Pressure exhaust

I've been keeping this for too long but there are times that I would just like to breakdown and lock myself inside this room and cry until nothing's left. I am too tired of blabbering mouths when you're trying to study and people who notice all your flaws that it seems like there's nobody else in the house but you. Tired of the blabbering about the simplest and smallest details you didn't notice and the smallest things you failed to do. I'm tired of the voice that sounds to be always angry that there seems to be no other emotion in here but annoying anger.

You are tired, I know. We are all tired. I'm sorry that I failed to do those small things you expect me to do. But please, I'm not the only one here. Why do I feel that the blame is always on me?

I am also tired of all the pressure you are putting on me. Sorry to tell you this, but I'm only a normal student. I have my own way of studying, maybe different from yours. Don't pressure me to do things just like you. You know it frustrates me. Sometimes when I'm studying another subject, you'd tell me to study another subject as if the other one is not that important. Sometimes when I'm relaxing, taking a deep breath, you'd blabber because I'm not studying! When I'm studying, you blabber about small things, you'd be angry that I'm locking the door inside my room! What do you want me to do exactly?! I don't understand you and it frustrates me.

Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of life is. Wouldn't it be easier if I would just die instead? Maybe it would be happier in heaven, maybe I would just vanish and I won't feel anything at all. But how am I going to leave the people I love? I still have my duties on earth, I suppose. I still haven't pursued my dreams, I still have not done my responsibilities and missions in the society that I'm in... But I still wonder.. what's the point?

I'm already writing about death. Maybe I'm really having a breakdown now.

.............

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Dreamer

I am a dreamer and I continue to dream
Though I know how hard it may seem
I don't know where I'm going, I don't know how I could go
But still I dream I'd be there I will be, yes I know.

Sometimes I wonder if I am walking the right way
Because it seems like it's not the way to the stage
I picture myself in front of a large crowd
Serenading them with my music

So I wonder how I could pursue my dream
I really really don't know
But I trust that someday I will be
I will be my own dream

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥

Creativity

Creativity
by elise

There are times in our life in which we should really be creative
But how come our juices sometimes seem to stop flowing?
We continue to think think and think excessively
Then realize that all we could think about is... well, nothing!

What can we do when our minds have gone crazy
Thinking about a lot of things that ain't fancy?
Our minds have been trapped in a world of responsibilities
That sometimes we forget to stop, relax, and relax!

Sometimes we just want to stop thinking
And probably sit back to the goodness of anything!
When everything's just quiet we adore the simplicity
And in just a while we redeem our creativity

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥