Pressure exhaust

I've been keeping this for too long but there are times that I would just like to breakdown and lock myself inside this room and cry until nothing's left. I am too tired of blabbering mouths when you're trying to study and people who notice all your flaws that it seems like there's nobody else in the house but you. Tired of the blabbering about the simplest and smallest details you didn't notice and the smallest things you failed to do. I'm tired of the voice that sounds to be always angry that there seems to be no other emotion in here but annoying anger.

You are tired, I know. We are all tired. I'm sorry that I failed to do those small things you expect me to do. But please, I'm not the only one here. Why do I feel that the blame is always on me?

I am also tired of all the pressure you are putting on me. Sorry to tell you this, but I'm only a normal student. I have my own way of studying, maybe different from yours. Don't pressure me to do things just like you. You know it frustrates me. Sometimes when I'm studying another subject, you'd tell me to study another subject as if the other one is not that important. Sometimes when I'm relaxing, taking a deep breath, you'd blabber because I'm not studying! When I'm studying, you blabber about small things, you'd be angry that I'm locking the door inside my room! What do you want me to do exactly?! I don't understand you and it frustrates me.

Sometimes I wonder what the meaning of life is. Wouldn't it be easier if I would just die instead? Maybe it would be happier in heaven, maybe I would just vanish and I won't feel anything at all. But how am I going to leave the people I love? I still have my duties on earth, I suppose. I still haven't pursued my dreams, I still have not done my responsibilities and missions in the society that I'm in... But I still wonder.. what's the point?

I'm already writing about death. Maybe I'm really having a breakdown now.

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lovelovelove, eLise.

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