Too much tears

Something's wrong with me. Something's terribly wrong with me.

I have cried too much. I have cried too much that it came to a point when I can't understand why I cried. I cry too much. I easily cry about small things that I shouldn't cry about. It's not another person's fault. It's my fault. I get it. It's my fault. I don't want to blame others about it. I don't want them to blame themselves.. I know there's something terribly wrong with me.

And it came to a point that something happened yesterday.

Now I know why I cried too much. I am confused.

I'm really sorry, but I need to say this. I need to be true to myself.

I am confused. I am frustrated. I am scared. I told myself yesterday that this is what I wanted, that this is what we needed. However, this is not what I feel right now. This is not what I want...

I mean.. I'm confused. I really don't know what will happen. I don't want to lose him. I don't want things to change. I don't want that. But I really know that we really need a little bit of space. We need it, but not too much. Not too much space, not too much freedom, that I will have to force my heart to close just to stop these tears from falling. I don't want to get crazy. One thing that disturbs me is my "complete freedom", because the truth is.. I don't want to be free completely. Yes, I want to be independent. Yes, I want time for myself. Yes, I need to grow.. But I'm scared that things might change and that... I don't know. I'm confused.

I trust him. Yes I do. And I trust myself. I trust that we'll be okay... But still something's bothering me, and I think that's because I'm still confused. I don't know what the implications of the situation was.. And I don't want to face those implications..

Yes, I want independence. Yes, I want space. Yes I need time to grow. But not too much. Not too much. And I really need to clear things up so that I won't close my heart just to stop myself.

I'm really sorry that I needed to write this, but I really want to be true to myself. What I say to my mind is not what my heart feels.

I really need to clear things up. So my mind and my heart will be at rest, and I'll give you space. Just please, if you can read this.. please...

♥♥♥

lovelovelove, eLise.

♥♥♥